Pierced from within

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

We love you, Bunbun.

bless

-

Touched,
You say that I am too,
So much,
Of what you say is true,

I'll never find someone quite like you,
Again,
I'll never find someone quite like you,
Like You,

The razors and the dying roses,
Plead I don't leave you alone,
The demi-gods and hungry ghosts,
God, god knows I'm not at home,

I'll never find someone quite like you,
Again,
I'll never find someone quite like you,
Again,

I looked into your eyes and
Saw a world that does not exist,
I looked into your eyes and,
Saw a world I wish I was in,

I'll never find someone quite as touched as you
I'll never love someone quite the way that I loved you.

feed

-

i still recall the taste of your tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this thing is slowly taking me apart
grey would be the color if i had a heart
come on tell me

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

in this place it seems like such a shame
though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be
come on tell me

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself

you make this all go away
you make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

i just want something i can never have

*shakes head*

what a motherfucking world..

What else should I say? What else should I bestow upon this fucking place in such a pathetic attempt of a belief in a world that is at all worth a shit and willing to give back or vindicate even the smallest fraction of the pain that it "blesses" me with?

All I have experienced is an endless parade of utter disdain for myself and anything which I ever held dear and I'm fucking sick of it. This hopelessly flawed place is nothing but a diseased pit of hope, granting any poor soul a glimpse of hope that they will never be allowed to achieve.

I've fought the endless horde for over a decade and all I've seen is suffering and pain... I've fought for years, hoping for an end.. hoping for a calming peace for everyone, everything, and myself... or even just one person.

*sigh*

It truly is endless.. It's something which will outlast me.. has outlasted me..

I've failed her and I've failed everything we were supposed to have.

There is nothing more to pick up.
There is nothing left to move on.
There is nothing more to care or to hope.
There is nothing to look forward to.
There is no happy ending.

But, i've always fought.. I'm fought every step of the way during my collapse.

..And I'm the weak one.. I'm of the weak for wanting to leave this fucking awful place and find somewhere better. I'm of the weak for wanting peace..

I'm tired of running this race.
I'm tired of chasing the dream.
I'm tired of being consumed from the inside out by a wretched heart that pumps poisoned ink.
I'm fucking tired..
...I'm tired..
I'll find peace when I sleep..and I pray it's forever.

It's over.

There is no more.

To the invaluable and priceless, I love you.

Happy anniversary, my beautiful Donna.

it's a sad time in one's life when all it takes to completely make someone forget all which was worth living for, is a three day weekend.

*shakes head*

oh, how easily we turn.

-john

When evolution selects its agents, it does so at a cost, makes demands in exchange for singularity, and you may be asked to do something against your very nature. This force, evolution, is not sentimental. Like the Earth itself, it knows only the hard facts of life's struggle with death. All you can do is hope and trust that when you have served its needs faithfully, there may still remain some glimmer of the life you once knew.

The heart of man is the place the devil dwells in; I feel sometimes a hell dwells within myself. The dream reveals the reality which conception lags behind, that is the horror of life the terror of art. In hatred and as in love, we grow like the thing we brood upon. What we loathe, we graft into our very soul, for never can true reconcilement grow, where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep.

-john

In default of inexhaustible happiness, eternal suffering would at least give us a destiny. But, we do not even have that consolation, and our worst agonies come to an end one day.

john

"Abashed, the devil stood and saw how awful goodness was."

*smiles*

I just needed to start this post... I'll finish it in a few.

john

-=Continuation=-

I think i'm going to take some time off from posting. I haven't fully decided on if I infact will quit posting.. I just have this massive sense of separation anxiety and I'm having difficulty putting how I feel accurately within the confines of this medium I so arrogantly consider my vent and my mouthpiece.

So.. I don't know what i'm going to do. I've been sitting here for half an hour trying to find the best words to use to give an idea of how I feel and I'm at a total loss. This isn't the first time I've run into the same problem. I, at times, have so many things to express at once that it bottlenecks and nothing gets through.

Jesus, I don't know what's best.. There are so many things that need to happen in my life and I haven't achieved nearly enough to make me feel any fullfillment.

I don't know what's going to happen.. I'll either post again or I won't.. I'll either crash or fly..

Either way..To those who do read my page.. Thank you.

goodbye,
john

-end

I've been asking people what they're favorite nine inch nails song is and why. The answers I recieved varied greatly with the exception of "hurt". I'm more or less pleased with what I got and I'm going to ask more people in hopes of further understanding my friends..

So, for me it comes down to one of two songs. The first song being "Mr. Self-destruct" from the album "The downward spiral". This songs means so much to be because soon after my first super super big break-up of a relationship, this song seriously help me through the coping and as did the rest of the album. I learned that I'm not the only person out there who feels the pain that I felt then and that a happy life is possible after all hope is seemingly lost. So, this song helped get me through life by teaching me anger. I know that sounds lame.. But, I learned expressive anger through the words of the song and I related to them in so many ways.. So, to me.. that song will always hold a place in my heart.

Secondly, is "The line begins to blur" from the new "With Teeth" album before the album was released. I was extremely enjoying the song since I could relate with it's content. I found it as a sign of things to come with the album and I was so happy with how it sounded.. So, anyways.. Here I am... all the time, having this song on loop.. That night/day when I first heard it seemed so perfect that nothing could have knocked me down. Nothing could have upset me.. I was on top of the world that night. My mind was filled with so many things I'm sure it would be deemed psycho by anyone normal. That night meant so much to me.. and it always will. Because that night my soul expanded to new hights.. that night would change me forever.. *smiles* So, yeah.. that song is number one on the list.. and it will always have that spot..

john

So, as a bittersweet glimpse to the past. I've decided to show a semi-accurate periodic representation of my past background images for this lj. Sadly, I don't have any screenshots when they were first used or of how my lj was configured before the way it is now... though, the last picture in series pictures I'm presenting to you today, does show alittle of what the old journal looked like.. So, I present......... (?!)

( Greatly under-planned project II!!!one!!!eleventyone!! )

Well, then.. *laugh* That was educational, no? Hrmm?... oh.. you literally mean "No" ...Alright then.. hrm.. *looks around* OH!.. oh, nevermind.. it isn't important..

john

-=Update I=-

I'm believe coming down with something since I've been experiencing incredible headaches, nausea, and dizziness. I know that seems like the common thing for me; But, this feels like an actual illness and not a side-effect from my charming nature. *smiles* This is the third day of feeling ill and I'm sure it will lapse soon... Sentence fragment, yo!

*headache* I go now.

john

-=Addition=-

Though, I'm sure of myself and my ways.. Does this seem at all.. hrm.. nevermind. I do enjoy writing about things other than sorrow and mourning as opposed to potentially supressing it. Not that I have supressed positive posting, I haven't had many reasons to. Hell, when I was super happy, livejournal wouldn't even come to mind (as shown by large gaps in my archived post calander)

Don't believe in everything you hear
Don't believe in everything you read
Don't believe in everything you see
Don't believe in me
Don't believe in anything you know
Don't believe there's somewhere you can go
Don't believe in anybody else
Don't believe in yourself

You say you want the world or nothing

What goes around will come around
And after all we'll all fall down
No one here is anyone
And in a while we'll all be gone

This is now
This is now
Here and now
Now

Don't believe in anything that's old
Don't believe in anything you're told
Don't believe in anything that's new
No one here believes in you
Don't believe that anybody cares
Don't believe that anything is there
Don't believe that anything's for real
Don't believe what you feel

You say you want the world or nothing

What goes around will come around
And after all we'll all fall down
No one here is anyone
And in a while we'll all be gone

This is now
This is now
Here and now
Now
War

Don't believe you'll find your way back home
Don't believe you'll find your way back home
Don't believe that you're something on your own
Don't believe that you're something on your own
Don't believe there's something you can do
Don't believe there's something you can do
Don't believe your dreams can come true
Don't believe your dreams can come true
Don't believe
Don't believe

*walks in*

*sits*

today..... i almost heard the best news a man could dream of..........

*turns off lights*

*leaves*

-end

-=Update=- 070204 (feb 4th 2007 drrrrr)

This is John from the future. What upset me so much was I went to get some chicken nuggets from mcdonalds and they didn't have any hot mustard.. I was destroyed.. and... and.. the memories.. *cries* All wanted was some dipping sauce!

*runs away in the night*

As a continuation of this lj post: I have received another red box with the same contents as before. So, in recieving this boxes and the gifts inside: I've decided re-inact particularly moving scene from a certain movie for you. I'll start work on it this morning and It should be finished by the end of the week. Sadly, I'd like it to be finished sooner but I'm seriously looking for more work and the band is progressing. So, yeah.. a busy me..

john

The sky is not the same shade of blue
Every single thing I believe isn't true

Missing in a maze of monochrome
How did I get here? How can I go home?

The echoes in my eyes
Of all they used to see
Burning down the world
the ashes and debris
and all thats left of me
Non Entity

Tried to stand in line
Tried to obey
The ghosts of what I was
Keep getting in the way

Staring at the sun
blinded by the light
Now I'm afraid I'm fading out of site

The Echoes in my eyes
Of all they used to see
Burning down the world
The ashes and Debris
And all thats left of you
And all thats left of me
All have washed away
Non entity

---------------------------------------

Click me for the .torrent of the song. Just register at the site, click the "me" link again, and you should be set.

john

There are these occurrences in my life that make me restless, almost hopeless, miss that certain someone, listen to Ministry or some slow depressing music, cycle through my lists of things I plan to accomplish by the time I'm thirty, and want to jump out of a tiny airplane at nighttime, during a full moon, over the blackest ocean, and without a parachute strapped to my back so I may have the sense of cheating death just one more sweet and blissful time.. Bliss is a state of mind that I have long missed from my life and I fear that much more must be achieved during my time to experience oh-so sweet bliss once more; So, with that in mind: I have reintroduced myself to the local social scenes in hopes that my search for bliss will not be in vain and will in-fact bring that which I dream, of out of my dreams, into fruition, and into my awaiting arms where I would hold close to my heart and never let go in such a way that a mother holds her child close to her bosom to keep them out of harm's way. *stops*

-=Intermission=-

I'll continue later today since I suddenly feel extremely ill. So, enjoy the intermission.

john

-=Continuation=-

*smiles* Moving on..

For those who believe in our existance having a preconceived purpose: When would you know if you've become aware of said purpose? What is it exactly that makes us see the proverbial light (as it were) and know precisely what our role on this planet entails? Immanuel Kant (a philosopher and theorist) wrote "The human heart refuses to believe in a universe without a purpose.". I wholly agree with that. Though, my idea is that our purpose isn't defined. It's up to each and every one of us to create a purpose, hopefully for the betterment of not only our species, but for existence period. Not just for human kind, but for one day to understand the universal mathmatics of everything. So.. *scratches head* fuck.. I mean we're so worried about and involved with instant gratification and entertainment, our kind has ceased to march toward betterment.. The longer we lie dormant, the more our ideologies become stagnant and begin to rot. We're becoming history and we don't even give a shit.. The world.. We can't afford oblivious attitudes and blind eyes.. *falls off soapbox* *sigh* Fuck..

My cat has been glaring at me this entire time and I think I should use the laser on it. *picks self up* Tomorrow is another day, right?

john

Excorsism of Emily Rose = Many people screaming in the movie theatre and my having one more thing to lose sleep over.

coffee time,
john

This coming friday, I will be going out.. I'll be back in the scene with the idea of trying to meet people and hopefully things will work out well. The last person I met at a bar ended up being a psycho.. So.. heh.. Anyways, earlier friday night I'll be going to see a movie with someone also. So.. hrm.. this is a very fragmented entry..

Anyways, I'm currently looking for more work to do since all this free time is killing me. *smiles* History has shown that spare time is an enemy of mine since it allows me to think about things I shouldn't. *laugh* *stretch* Yeah.. things are in motion.

j

staring in the face of condemnation
laughter fills the sky instead of rain

live my life alone in resignation
arms outstretched for those who cannot see

scarecrow

crucified and left in isolation
pictures of our lost morality

scarecrow

eyeless stares invite this whole damnation
rotting corpse of inhumanity

scarecrow

-----------------------

"In the midst of hopes and cares, of apprehensions and of disquietude, regard every day that dawns upon you as if it was to be your last; then super-added hours, to the enjoyment of which you had not looked forward, will prove an acceptable boon." -Horace.

-----------------------

Today, I read my entire lj and though I remembered times when nothing wrong could occur, reading entries of when I was truly happy and care free was... shocking for me. I mean, everything seemed fucking perfect then! Everything was going exactly how I wanted them, I was where I wanted to be. Holy shit, I was mean then though! Jesus, I miss those days where everything was perfect.. The days where the course was set and I was right in that shit not skipping a beat. Where did I go wrong? All this time, I tried to humble.. I tried to find enlightenment. I searched within myself countless times and ultimately, the end result is me sitting right fucking here typing this shit out in complete bewilderment that I have possibly been living a lie for the passed several years.. Back then, I would go on long-assed funny rants about shit. Now, the heart behind the rants has weakened and I just don't have the strength anymore to belt them out like I used to. Goddamnit, it's just so fucking sad reading it all. It's a complete nose-dive, downward spiral, through a hospital zone, in flames, and ripping straight through fucking hell. Jesus, I mean... What the hell was wrong with me? Why would I beat myself up so insanely much?

*laugh* Alright, I think after all this: I need to have a long talk with myself and get to know John again. Because this is fucking ridiculous and I'm not going to make myself look like an asshole or some pathetic loser. All that's going to do is perpetuate the pain I feel and make me extremely unattractive..

I have some shopping to do.

j

-Goldmoon- its amazing what you can get with batting your eyelashes and showing your tits.. lol
-n0nthing- raped?

j

I was watching "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel" tonight and I saw this story on this father and son team.. and it really is a beautiful thing. I greatly suggest you give their page a read.

j

So, I was doing my recent-ex a favor a couple months ago and signed up on Camel's webpage to get info on cashing in Camel C-Notes. Anyways, they ended up sending me two boxes for some reason.. Hrmm...

( The boxes and the contents within )

So, I expect I will be recieving more things like this in the future. I suppose if I can't find anyone to take them, I'll hold on and who knows.. if I ever cave in, I'll have matches.

*stretch* This post is boring. I'm leaving.

j

In the previous post, I spoke of building a deck for my father and having pictures.

( Picture time )

So, yes. I'm very happy with it and I have to say that the sense of accomplishment really does lift the spirits. I suggest to everyone to find something creative to do and just do it. Here's a quote that I live by: "Be brave enough to live creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has even been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you will discover will be wonderful. What you will discover will be yourself." Isn't that pretty? Man, I feel good.

j

So, I've come to the decision that I'm living several realities simultaneously; thus, creating this paradoxical ideology of contradiction from by wanting too much, you truly don't know what you want. What I mean by that is: I have set up in my mind, several outcomes for my life that I do feel as if I would be equally happy with.. Or so I think.

Let's analyze,

One reality being immediately related to me and recent life. With it, I have proven very happy and content. So content in-fact, that I have killing myself over it for six months give or take just so I may in hopes continue on with this state of reality that I so arrogantly considered my last outlet for true, honest, and enthusiastic compassion. A reality I felt so important to me, that if I lost it, it would literally kill me from it being such a massive part of my being. I would claw and scratch my way back into it whenever cast out and that, my friends, only vastly increases all the pain in the end. The end when that reality truly ceases and there is no more than an empty and rotting shell of a feeling and an idea of what was once viewed as best. Though, this reality is so obviously important to me. I fear that my outlook of it is unrealistically romantic in the sense that I may subsequently and subconsciously ignore aspects of this reality which I avidly choose to be without. Things I know cannot be lived with. So, where is the fault with my vision this reality then? If I saw these faults that I so felt were unacceptable: Why care so much? Why fight so hard for a reality I deemed my final love if it was so wrong and I knew would never live on forever? *smiles* Things which I saw as I was able to look passed and look into the deeper meaning of everything. Either way, I still want this reality badly and for it to end as bitterly as it did. Well, maybe after everything is said and done: I will emerge where I want to be. Of course, I don't know exactly where I want to be in the end. So, I guess I'm proper-fucked for the time being.

-=Intermission=-

The other reality is what I always thought of as my permaximum amo (greatest love).... actually, enjoy the intermission.. I will continue this in an hour..

with sympathy,
j

-=Continuation=-

Alright, the other reality is one that I always held extremely sacred. It had such an impact on my life that it's my fucking gospel. Such an impact that I base everything on it. Everything is compared to it and only the aforementioned reality will ever be held in such a high regard. The faults which lie with the wanting of this particular reality are of course, that it was some time ago and things change over time.. Well, most things atleaste.. and believe me, I stressed it ended for over a year.. Hell, I still stress over it. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about it. I know that it seems unfair to other people.. and I truly and humbly tried to move beyond and improve my outlook on my future. With every love, I embraced it dearly. Though, I will never forget what compassion I felt then. It truly has made the largest impact than anything else and I feel as if I owe it someone in return. I wish I could offer myself, but as said: Time changes people and I fear that a mutual mind-set isn't felt. Though, I would love for things to just happen.. For things to magically return to how they were then. But, alas.. all of that just seems impossible. Again, I'm being a romantic and not realizing how things really are. Mainly, I know it will never happen and I accept that. But, like all major past-relationships. It will always be a part of me in some way. I'm honestly more worried about the first reality I mentioned. It's the most recent, the emotions are still fresh. I care about that girl dearly.. Hopeless would be a word which describes this entire entry. Shit, hopeless would describe all of my entries for the past almost two years. Though, I must force myself to persevere, I cannot help but think of the reality that got away.. or "the day that gravity failed" as I would sometimes say to myself to put some kind of label to the asphyxiation I was enacting upon myself.. So, with that: I'm proper-fucked also.

So, all of that brings me to where I am at this very fucking moment.

*smiles* John Lennon once wrote: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."

Maybe he was onto something there. Perhaps this void I feel really isn't a void. But, just myself not being and self-complete as I should be.

*laugh* Moving on..

So, I built my father a deck for his birthday recently. It took six five hours days. But, it looks better than I pictured and I'll have pictures up soon. While working in direct sunlight these passed days, a strange phenomena occurred in which the skin on my face because very very very smooth and it feels like it's eternally lotioned. Strange, hrm? So, with working on the deck, I decided to start working-out again. Working out always made me feel better in some way. Though, I greatly suggest having someone to go with because I always found motivation easily fleeting when I have no one to talk with. *shrug*

Though seemingly contradictory, I do have an excellent outlook on everything and knowing that I can continue in life is inspirational to me. *smiles* I've tried to keep a positive outlook on my life for a long time. I know that what I write seems to contradict that. But, I'm always wanting what I deem as best for me or others. Through all of the pain I've felt, I always kept the positive right up front and in sight. I used to sign with "Long live the faithful" on letters,emails, whatever.. To this day, I'm still a strong believer in never giving up hope and never losing your faith. If ever lost my faith in my life, I wouldn't be alive today. Seriously, I wouldn't be alive.. I if ever gave up all hope and faith, I wouldn't have seen any reason whatsoever to continue moving forward. So, I may have many things to deal with, but in the end I strongly feel it all to be worth it. I always told myself to never lose faith, never lose faith, stay strong, keep moving forward, without or without anyone, keep moving forward. And I've been moving forward, though the trek is full of twists, turns, and chasms that seem impossible to cross. But, I'm still here and I still want what's best. Hopefully on this journey I've taken within myself, I will know exactly what truly is best.

*nods* And with all said, I say goodbye in hopes that language in the Land of the Sentence Fragment is decipherable.

with sympathy,
j

You can have Washington I'll take New Jersey
You can have London but I want New York city

I should get Providence I've got a job now
Los Angeles - obvious - that's where you belong now

You can have Africa, Asia, Australia
As long as you keep your hands off cafe pamplona

We can split germany right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take berlin and we'll call it even

You can have all of the carry-on baggage
I'll trade the saskia jokes for the alphabet language

on special occasions we'll split between parents
who forced us to hate them on alternating weekends

you call it over and i call you psycho
significant other? just say we were lovers!
And we'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Disgused as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business and speak when I'm spoken to

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud, I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked!

You get route 2 between concord and lexington
I want mass ave from the sqaure to my apartment

And if we should meet through some misunderstanding
I'll be very sweet very patient and forgiving
(now get off my side of the state)

And if we should see one another in passing
Despite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
(there must be some kind of mistake)

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on unamerican
We'll call it even

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud i am just taking orders
I fall to the groud within hours of impact
I hit back when hit
and attack if attacked

I am an accident waiting to happen
I'm laughing like mad as you strangle the captain
My place may be taken, but make no mistake
From a little black box I can say without shame
That you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like
I'll strike like the States on fire
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding
No safe covers
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do
You can fake it for the papers but I'm on to you....

Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know right where they belong
Smears of face reflecting in the chrome
Hiding in the crowd I'm all alone

No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as if the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles a...

Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?

All the jagged edges dissapear
Colors all look brighter when you're near
The stars are all afire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely I could...

Why do you get all the love in the world?

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears [views] inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me
Like a million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

It seems like with the exception of few, my lj posts have been about sorrow and lifelessness.. Well, this is another one. Nothing hurts more than knowing that the life you want more than anything else doesn't want you in return.

It hurts to swallow.
My chest is in pain.
Hands are shaking.

My back hurts from trying to pick up the pieces.

ugh.. i'll add more when i can stomach focusing on anything.

j

-=Addition I=-

What pisses me off is the fact that my posts are suffering by being filled with utter shit with no real substance (seemingly). Jesus, and to think that I used to get praise of my intellect and linguistical surgery. *shakes head* What a fucking waste.

Feel free to read past entries and roll with laughter in the hilarity that is my life's happenings! *glee!*

j

I'll keep this short and sweet...

Things are well.
I am happy.
My cat is a sweetheart.
My sweetheart is a dear.
I have run out of creativity.

j

God.. i'm so tired. I can't sleep.. My mind is plagued with images which make me want to self-immolate. My mind is to tired... my hands are too heavy.. my heart is exhausted from the time i've been up and the ache it's felt from the loss.. *tries to laugh* This is all too surreal. As if my life has been "fastforwarded" four months and then kicked between the legs...

My muscles are killing me,.. my head is pounding,.. my bones feel like they're splintering, and my eyes are on fire. Yet, I have no relief... I cannot sleep. I haven't slept at all in two days... I don't know when I will sleep.. My voice is almost totally gone.. My diaphragm isn't strong enough to speak up..

My reality has been ripped apart and replaced with absolute hell. I now know what hell is and this is it..

My love...

*smiles* You know why I could never kill myself? Because if I did, I would be giving up on fulfilling the life I dream of.

I can't give up..

I just can't..

j

-=Update I=-

The cat apparently doesn't want to watch Solaris with me. I suppose that's for the best since the movie is now totally depressing to me anyways.

-=Update II=-

To whomever reads my journal. I'm sorry for the subject-matter being so depressing. Since I have had it, perhaps ninety-eight percent of the entries have been negative/miserable/depressing/etc. The reason for that is I find the expression of sorrow/misery more acute than most seemingly random "happy go lucky" babble. I'm not banishing the happier end of the spectrum of emotion, I use this journal as a serious outlet for what I have to say about my self/psychee and I have felt more sorrow than happiness over the course of the writings. I use references from websites, comedians, poets, and play-writes to aid me in my self-expression at times since said references already have an expressed meaning and hopefully come across again in a similar way to describe my emotional/mental state at the time of writing. Even yesterday, I changed the headline of my myspace page to "Farewell. God knows when we shall meet again.", which are the last words Juliet spoke to her mother before she drank poison in Spakespear's Romeo and Juliet. I found the words important since I too feel as if I'm close to death..

I believe myself to be a passionate man for the arts and self-expression. I can express my love for things as only a mother can describe the beauty of her newborn. I can also express my hate as a brother of a murder-victim. I am very emotional, yet come off and cold at times, seemingly often when it's less appropriate. When man takes the option to be truly cold and emotionless, they are no longer man: But, an animate piece of flesh only causing havoc in the souls of those who are truly compassionate. So, I chose long ago that though the road to life can be painful often, it is still life. For, when you abandon what you are, you are no longer human.

We are all a vast compilation of emotions. We must embrace them, we must love them, and we must express/share them. I have no reservations with letting the world know how destroyed I feel. Because if I didn't write any of this, if i never wrote anything down or told anyone how I feel about something. I would be a lonely speck, wasting away on the face of a planet with over six billion people living on it.. And I refuse to be just a fucking speck!

j

Sooooooo... hrm.. these passed couple of days.. have been.. interesting... *twitch*

I uhm.. well..

*cough*

It would look like i'm single... again... yeah..

hrm..

I think.. I think.. I'm going to uhm.. lie down.. for awhile..

-=We interrupt this gothy LJ entry to bring you a "special" bulletin on kittens!=-

( Would you like to know more?! )

-=We now return to said aformentioned gothy post!=-

This seriously fucking sucks...

I’ve got the understanding of a 4-year-old
I’ve got the piece of mind of a killer soul
I’ve got the rationale of a new york cop
I’ve got the patience of a chopping block yeah

Trip like I do
Trip like I do (oh my God this is the best)

I’ve got the acumen of a season broke
I’ve got the lack of say of a billion souls
I’ve got the world on my back but I don’t seem to care
I’ve got the comprehension of a world unaware yeah

Trip like I do
Trip like I do (oh my God this is the best)
Trip like I do (mm..i want you to trip like I do)

Can’t you, can’t you trip like I do
Can’t you, can’t you trip like I do

Laid down my back I can’t sleep cause I’m falling
Eyes in my teeth I can’t see cause I’m eating
Head full of noise I can’t think cause it’s crushing
Back on my feet like a freight train I’m coming

Can everybody feel like I do
Can everybody feel like I do (oh my God)

Can’t you can’t you trip like I do
Can’t you can’t you trip like I do (oh my God)
Can’t you trip can’t you think can’t you feel like I do
Can’t you walk can’t you breathe can’t you trip like I do...
Like me...

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one
No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Yes is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Cause one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know
One is the loneliest number even worst then two
Yeah
Its just no good anymore since you went away
Now I spend my time just making up rhymes of yesterday
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
Since you went away
Since you went away
(one is the loneliest number since you’ve gone away)
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
Since you’ve gone away
Its just no good anymore since you went away
Now I spend my time just making up rhymes of yesterday
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
Since you went away
Since you went away

I don't agree with everything maddox says on his site, but this article about a show on MTV I do agree with whole-heartedly.

more to come,
j

I find myself/my life in an odd balance of smiling and nodding to some, and tearing into others for even the smallest offense. Throughout life, i've been feeling a shift in this balance and the cruelty is weighing heavily as preference.

Does that make my actions any less appropriate since I lean towards harsh order instead of "turning the other cheek"?

Hrm, I suppose anyone with emotion is truly out of control since they have some supernatural intervention over how they feel and what they say or do.

Interesting

j

"Elated. I am fucking elated. Let me take a moment to paint the picture for you.

I was leaving the theater, attempting to collect my thoughts on the movie I had just witnessed. I ran into a friend, and we both turned around to look for the others. It was then that we both noticed a fellow dressed up in jedi garb exiting the doors. He was hyperventilating from the excitement. As he walked, he began to shed his armor and robes while staring dumbfounded at the ground. As he passed us, he cast his lightsaber down in disgust and threw his arms up in despair. Tears, honest to God tears, were welling up in his eyes as he stumbled off into the night. People picked up his things and called out to him, but all he returned were weeping noises as he ran off into the parking lot.

That depressing scene, which is as accurate as I can describe it, sums up the entire experience for me. I was fucking embarassed to be watching that film, and so delighted at its self-destruction that I could almost taste the spite. I can't wait to hear the excuses that some of you fuckwits will come up with to defend this pile of shit. In the meantime, I'm going to bed satisfied." -Sharkey, bamf.com

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that i'm sorry that i asked
though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM

See the animal in it's cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afriad to see?

What if all the world's inside of your heart
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you really are alone
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the words
Are you hiding in the dreams?

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you wanted to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afriad to see?

I've acquired the new System of a Down and Nine inch Nails albums recently and I must say that I think they're very swell. The new SoaD is okay, it reminds of me their first album and the new nin reminds me of the nightmares I've had about it sucking hardcore and the last five years of anticipation being a complete waste....... le sigh

j

It seems as if my life has been in some form of stasis for a while now. Within two months, my life style has changed from "day by day" to "day to day". It happens, I suppose.. it's still early and we have much to look forward to. Since, I'm a supporter of change in the forms of evolution, I enjoy moving forward and not growing stagnant in the ways of my living life. Since late 2003, I struggled within and against myself to promote a said self-evolutionary process of inner-being and self-awareness.

Looking back, the wounds were more severe than I expressed or allowed myself to acknowlege: Thus, only permitting the barbed-intertwining roots of despair and self-loathing to burrow deeper within and destroy what remaining shreds of hope/faith that remained in my lacking sense of being. I viewed myself as having one foot in the grave and ready to take that long lonely dive into the deep six once I payed off all my bills...*slaps forhead*

Anyways, The wounds ran deep and are never going to completely heal. They've done their damage and are a part of me... A part of me that I embrace and hold dear, for they, like everything else, make me who I am.

*looks around*

*sigh*

coffee.

j

-=Update I=-

On a lighter note: Julia, Brian, and I are going to see msi tonight in tampa. Though, the drive will be long, it should pass quickly since I'm sure that the time will be mostly consumed by conversation.

Our second month annversary is coming up soon. I don't know where I would be today without her.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience... we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I come home from getting some coffee.. The faint smell of kettlecorn is in the air.. but, the house is empty.

j

[reo4k] just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
[ibaN`reo4k[ex]] that's gotta hurt
[r`heaven] :(

Lately, I've noticed myself becoming ever-so-slightly more at peace with myself. I hope that (with time) I will be able to whimsicly do so, whenever I am at my most helpless.

*smiles* But, for now.. I'll stick with being happy.

j

Read title.

Explanation coming soon.

j

-=Update I=-

*walks in and pulls up a chair*

Looking back at my passed entries, I was a complete wreck. I wanted to off myself so badly but found it to economicly unsound.. So, I faught it off. My soul became like scar-tissue. Nothing but damage trying to heal.. A broken shell, never being able to become what it once was. I began to accept that my life was going to be nothing but a machine like pattern of school, work, band, art, pain.. and more pain. "Get used to disappointment." is what I say to people at times when they deal with me.. I was so sure in my capabilities of misery, I would warn friends-to-be that I would make their lives depressing... Misery loves company..

Not today though.. Not today and not ever again will I be in the trenches on my own self-pitty or despair. *smiles* An angel has pulled me out and shown me a life worth living. She reintroduced a side to myself I've long forgotten ever existed. I forgot love felt this way.. The lump in my throat is gone. The pain in my stomach has left. The pain in my heart has been lifted.

So, with that said: I give you a tip of hat and a good afternoon.

j

-=Update II=-

Yeah, so i can't believe how things have been working out lately. I'm truely in love with this girl. Her name is Julia and she's certainly the light of my life now. She and I connect on so many different levels, it's scarey. She and I have yet to literly disagree on anything. We like so many of the same things and even if she shows me something I'm unaware of, i'm odds are going to like it since we think similarly. We enjoy our company so much, we can spend 35 hours together and never get bored (which our first date was!). A day away from her seems like it takes forever. I hate us being away... She lives on campus at UNF and the drive there isn't short.. But, it's so worth it. She could like in Miami and I'd still make the drive down every weekend.

*smiles* Thinking about her all the time, my face hurts from all the smiling. She has a very warm smile... I remember the first date, we walked around the campus for awhile.. it was so nice and quiet there. I love times like that, in vacant areas, night time, cool breezes, and the arm of the one you love. *laugh* Jesus, I sound so corny about all this. It's just that this person is so wonderful, i can't help but feel I owe the world to her (which I was giving to her anyways.).. So, maybe things are going to work out for me.. I hope so... I hope so with her. I want her to be the last one. No more, I want no one else. She and I and no one else... *nod*

I'm going to see her tonight, i hate leaving her so much. I cannot stand us being seperated for hours. I'd like to cook for us sometime soon. I'm not a great cook, but I think it's important to not rely on outside sources for things that could happen in the home. Don't get me wrong, i love getting out and being in a lovely place with the person i care for. But, some people only go out or only order out. *shrug* Call me a weirdo, but cooking is neato. <=- (omg)

*looks in mirror and straightens tie* Yep.. i wouldn't have anyone else.

*brushes hair* Trial and error... equal and opposite reaction.. I forgot it felt so good to be in love. The long and hard fall was so painful... I thought my heart was eternally broken from it.

Someone proved me wrong.

*love*

j

Throughout the progression of life, one's self will have to eventually sit themselves down and peer within to get understand who or what they are. Though disappointment is usually granted, it's still by nature, benificial; Because, how can we truely evolve if we don't know what hendering factor we're moving away from?

Over the passed maybe week, I set out into the vastness of the internet with a goal that I was worried I wouldn't be able to accomplish, well I semi-achieved it. So, I'm rather glad about that.. *nod*

Let's see... *shuffles papers about* Ah, yes.. It seems I'm experiencing the a bit of the "unstoppable colliding with the unmovable" when it comes to music lately. Don't get me wrong, things are progressing and it seems as if we've perhaps discovered a drummer for studio work, so the album itsself is closer to being finished, the live show is a different story. The potential drummer is used to playing Alice in Chains type music and nothing requiring... a bit more technical aspect to it. Also, this party doesn't want to play anything tougher. So, ultimately, this person isn't going to be playing out with us, but will lay down tracks for the album.. so.. yay..

my mouth hurts..

j

Register here, get and install a torrent agent, click this and enjoy aural bliss! Also, if the torrent doesn't work, hit me up on one of the messengers I've listed in my info and I'll send the song your way.

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
and myself I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

There's somebody on top of me
I don't know, I don't know
Isn't anyone stopping me
I don't know, I don't know
I won't try and hold my breath
I don't know, I don't know
Just how far down can I go
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know

As I lie here and still
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur