Looking back at my passed entries, I was a complete wreck. I wanted to off myself so badly but found it to economicly unsound.. So, I faught it off. My soul became like scar-tissue. Nothing but damage trying to heal.. A broken shell, never being able to become what it once was. I began to accept that my life was going to be nothing but a machine like pattern of school, work, band, art, pain.. and more pain. "Get used to disappointment." is what I say to people at times when they deal with me.. I was so sure in my capabilities of misery, I would warn friends-to-be that I would make their lives depressing... Misery loves company..
Not today though.. Not today and not ever again will I be in the trenches on my own self-pitty or despair. *smiles* An angel has pulled me out and shown me a life worth living. She reintroduced a side to myself I've long forgotten ever existed. I forgot love felt this way.. The lump in my throat is gone. The pain in my stomach has left. The pain in my heart has been lifted.
So, with that said: I give you a tip of hat and a good afternoon.
j
-=Update II=-
Yeah, so i can't believe how things have been working out lately. I'm truely in love with this girl. Her name is Julia and she's certainly the light of my life now. She and I connect on so many different levels, it's scarey. She and I have yet to literly disagree on anything. We like so many of the same things and even if she shows me something I'm unaware of, i'm odds are going to like it since we think similarly. We enjoy our company so much, we can spend 35 hours together and never get bored (which our first date was!). A day away from her seems like it takes forever. I hate us being away... She lives on campus at UNF and the drive there isn't short.. But, it's so worth it. She could like in Miami and I'd still make the drive down every weekend.
*smiles* Thinking about her all the time, my face hurts from all the smiling. She has a very warm smile... I remember the first date, we walked around the campus for awhile.. it was so nice and quiet there. I love times like that, in vacant areas, night time, cool breezes, and the arm of the one you love. *laugh* Jesus, I sound so corny about all this. It's just that this person is so wonderful, i can't help but feel I owe the world to her (which I was giving to her anyways.).. So, maybe things are going to work out for me.. I hope so... I hope so with her. I want her to be the last one. No more, I want no one else. She and I and no one else... *nod*
I'm going to see her tonight, i hate leaving her so much. I cannot stand us being seperated for hours. I'd like to cook for us sometime soon. I'm not a great cook, but I think it's important to not rely on outside sources for things that could happen in the home. Don't get me wrong, i love getting out and being in a lovely place with the person i care for. But, some people only go out or only order out. *shrug* Call me a weirdo, but cooking is neato. <=- (omg)
*looks in mirror and straightens tie* Yep.. i wouldn't have anyone else.
*brushes hair* Trial and error... equal and opposite reaction.. I forgot it felt so good to be in love. The long and hard fall was so painful... I thought my heart was eternally broken from it.
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jallandhara) wrote,
surprised
